Ummm, I have a new name, I know again but it is for my new life so to say.

rebel_4_life_2008

I wonder sometimes I think about things that I really dont understand. I try and I try, but its like trying to lock a door thats already locked. If  the grass is so much greener on the other side then why do most people look back. So many thoughts come to mind, but some are just not important. I think about what might have happend if I would have died. Death was never was never an opption for me. I was always a happy person, but now I have to take medication just to make it through a day without crying. The doctors keep giving me reasons to look at the world the way I do. Why, cant I just be 15, cant I just be happy like most girls. I know I am not alone when it comes to whatever is wrong with me, I just dont want it anymore. I am starting to confuse myself. Lets try something diffrent.

All the things I should say:

WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I BLEED JUST LIKE YOU, I AM JUST DIFFRENT. I AM STILL ME, STILL THE SAME GIRL YOU MET AT SCHOOL. THE SAME GIRL WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. I AM, WHY DONT YOU BELIEVE ME? WHAT DID I DO. THINGS GO WRONG AND SHIT HAPPENDS, BUT WHO AM TO SAY THE THINGS I SAID. WHO AM I TO DO THE THINGS I DO. 

AFTER HIGH SCHOOL, THE POPULAR ONES AND THE OUTCASTS GO AWAY. THATS NOT THE REAL WORLD. AFTER HIGH SCHOOL WHEN EVERYONE IS GONE ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS YOUR FAMILY AND THE ONES WHO WERE THERE. JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE ONCE FAT, BUT NOW PRETTY DOSE NOT MEAN YOU DROP THE ONES WHO LOVED YOU FIRST. HELL TO THEM ALL. THEY HAVE NO TRUE PLACE IN YOUR LIFE, NOT LIKE FAMILY, BLOOD IS THICK BUT LOVE IS THICKER. I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME . YOU CAN HATE ME ALL YOU WANT, IT DOSENT BOTHER ME. PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE ME STRONGER. I CAN LOOK YOU IN THE EYE AND NOT SAY A WORD THEN JUST WALK AWAY. MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK I AM THINKING. I DONT JUDGE.

THOSE WHO JUDGE WILL BE JUDGED IN THE END, ITS NOT MY PLACE.

Well I think that is enough talking. bye love Shany

Dear World, I am like so happy that I am alive that this happiness could makes the happiest person sick. I think that is just a little bit funny. I love this thought of love, but I am scared to feel it.

I LOVE MATTHEW PAUL MCKEEVER!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MATTHEW PAUL MCKEEVER!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MATTHEW PAUL MCKEEVER!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MATTHEW PAUL MCKEEVER!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MATTHEW PAUL MCKEEVER!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MATTHEW PAUL MCKEEVER!!!!!!!!

I pull a jossler. LOL. I love her so much. Anyway to go on about Matt, yes me and him are back together for the third time, and I wonder if that is a good of bad thing. I just dont want my heart being broken again. I am like in this really horny mood and it almost makes me sick. I swear I was like walking around humping the air. Almost makes me sick.

Ok, I will tell you all that you have missed. I went to the hospitail ummmmm, Thursday May 5th, 2005.  I had O.D on 4 diffrent types of OTC Medications. I had about 20 or 30 pills in my system. I know what you are thinking. No God damn it I did not want to die now matter what anyone thinks.  I just wanted my feeling for everyone and everything to stop. I was crying so hard I couldnt even breath. I told myself no more I cant do this. My best friend Aimee called 911 and the ambulance came and took me to gramhospitail. Spent half the night there just so a lady could come and tell me I needed to go to methodist in peoria becasue I was not emotionaly ready to go home. She thought I would do it again. Well I came home Wednesday May 11,2005 and I went to school the next day just so I could get hugs and have people point and stair at me. Oh well most of these god damn people dont mean shit to me. And the one person who I really did not want to find out did, and well at least I got him back.  Me and him got back together ummm, Monday. I asked him out in the Chours room and he didnt answer me all he did was hug me and hold me. Awwww, I so know.

Me and Megan have been hanging out like crazy. She has become a really close friend of mine. She was there for me and everything. I like so love her to death. We are closer then I ever thought we would be. I dont really think her mom likes me though. I think she might think I sell drugs and I so dont. I dont come off as a drug dealer. Maybe my sperm donner but not me. I am just plan old shany who is in love with Matt.

I just want to say sorry to all the people I hurt and that I am not going to go anywhere. I am here on earth till it is my time.

Well, I got to go and call matt.

Love Shany

Well I feel like dieing , and  I feel like shit. Fuck it all. bye